Am I in a Toxic Relationship? | A Therapist Responds

Dear Therapist,

I don’t know if I’m overreacting or if something is actually wrong in my relationship.

Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly walking on eggshells. I think about how my partner will react before I say anything because I don’t want to start an argument. I find myself changing the way I talk, what I do, and even how I feel just to keep the peace.

There are moments when my partner is loving and kind, and those moments make me question everything. I tell myself, “Maybe it’s not that bad,” or “Maybe I’m the problem.” But then something happens again, and I feel hurt, confused, and drained. I feel like my feelings are often dismissed. When I try to explain that something hurt me, I’m told I’m too sensitive or that I’m making a big deal out of nothing. Sometimes I end up apologizing even when I don’t fully understand what I did wrong. I feel less confident, more anxious, and I constantly question myself. I keep wondering if this is what relationships are supposed to feel like or if I’m expecting too much.

How do I know if I’m in a toxic relationship? Am I seeing things clearly, or am I just being too emotional? I appreciate your guidance and expertise.

— Pri from Canada

Dear Pri,

I want you to know that asking this question is already an important step. Many people in unhealthy relationships struggle to trust their own feelings because they have spent so much time questioning themselves.

A toxic relationship is not defined by one argument, one mistake, or one difficult moment. All relationships have conflict. What matters is the ongoing pattern and how the relationship makes you feel over time.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe being myself?

• Can I express my feelings without fear of punishment, anger, or rejection?

• Do my needs and emotions matter?

• Do I feel respected, valued, and heard?

• Am I becoming smaller to keep someone else comfortable?

A healthy relationship allows space for both people to have feelings, boundaries, and individual identities. You should not have to lose yourself in order to be loved. Sometimes unhealthy relationships create confusion because there may also be good moments. Kindness, apologies, affection, or happy memories do not erase patterns of control, disrespect, fear, or emotional harm.

If you constantly feel anxious, powerless, afraid to speak honestly, or like you are responsible for managing someone else’s emotions, it may be a sign that something needs attention.

Try not to ask only, “Do they love me?”

Also ask:

“How do I feel when I am with them?”
“Do I feel more like myself, or do I feel like I am disappearing?”

Your feelings are important. Your discomfort is worth listening to. You deserve a relationship where love feels safe, respectful, and supportive—not one where you have to constantly prove your worth or earn kindness.

Take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Clarity often comes when you begin listening to the part of you that has been trying to speak all along. Wishing you peace and clarity.

With Kindness,
Sukanya

Letters to a Therapist are written for educational and reflective purposes and are not a substitute for individual psychotherapy or mental health support. Letters may be edited to protect the writer's privacy and confidentiality.