How Do I Heal After Narcissistic Abuse? | A Therapist Responds

Dear Therapist,

I don't know where to begin because I'm no longer sure what is true. I was in a long term relationship with my partner for 14 years. For years, I believed everything was my fault. If my partner shouted, it was because I had pushed him too far or made him really angry. If he ignored me for days, it was because I had upset him. If he criticised the way I dressed, spoke, laughed, or spent money, I told myself he only wanted what was best for me.

He said I was too sensitive, emotional and it is very difficult to love me and I believed him. I stopped trusting my own memory because he always had an explanation for why I remembered things "wrong." When I cried, he called me dramatic. When I questioned him, he accused me of being controlling. Somehow every conversation ended with me apologizing. My world became smaller and I stopped seeing friends because it wasn't worth the arguments. I stopped talking to my family because he said they didn't understand us. I second-guessed every decision, every word, every feeling. I asked permission for things I never used to ask permission for.

Even now that the relationship is over, I still hear his voice in my head. When someone compliments me, I don't believe them. When I make a mistake, I immediately think, "This is why nobody will ever love me."

The hardest part is that I still blame myself. Maybe if I had been calmer, more patient… none of this would have happened. People keep telling me to "move on," but I don't know how. I don't even know who I am anymore.

How do I heal when I no longer trust myself?

-Emma from Canada

Dear Emma,

Thank you for trusting me with your story. As I read your letter, one sentence stayed with me: "I don't even know who I am anymore."

That is one of the deepest wounds of living in a relationship marked by coercive control and emotional abuse. It doesn't just leave you questioning the relationship—it can leave you questioning yourself.

When someone repeatedly dismisses your feelings, criticizes your choices, or convinces you that your reality is wrong, it's understandable that your confidence begins to fade. Over time, you may stop trusting your own thoughts and start believing the painful story you've been told about yourself.

You asked if this happened because you weren't patient enough, kind enough, or easy enough to love. I want to answer that as gently as I can.

The responsibility for abusive or controlling behaviour never belongs to the person trying to survive it.

The fact that you blame yourself does not mean you are to blame. Self-blame is a common response after emotional abuse because it can create the illusion that, somehow, you could have prevented what happened. But surviving a harmful relationship is not the same as causing it.

You also wrote that you no longer trust yourself.

Healing often begins there—not by trying to become the person you were before, but by slowly learning to listen to yourself again.

Ask yourself:

"What am I feeling?"

"What do I need?"

"What feels true for me?"

At first, those questions may feel unfamiliar. That's okay. Self-trust is rebuilt one small moment at a time.

Please remember this:

The voice that tells you that you are not enough is not your true voice. It is an echo of what you lived through.

With time, compassion, and the right support, that echo can become quieter.

And little by little, you may begin to recognize yourself again—not as someone who was broken by what happened, but as someone who is gently reclaiming their life. You are not alone.

With kindness,

Sukanya

Letters to a Therapist are written for educational and reflective purposes and are not a substitute for individual psychotherapy or mental health support. Letters may be edited to protect the writer's privacy and confidentiality.